What to Give and What to Give Up!

Ash Wednesday. The beginning of Lent. Forty days (Sundays not included) meant for reflection, repentance, and sacrifice. A time for Christians to prepare for Easter and remind ourselves why this time matters so much. That we would focus our hearts on Jesus Christ. On his life, death, burial and resurrection. On His suffering and His sacrifice.

I truly love this season, it always feels like a new beginning. A time of renewal, a rebirth. Spring is near and life is on the verge of abundance, nesting birds, blooming trees, a bursting garden. A recovery from that which was harsh and cold and heavy.

Not all Christian churches observe Lent but my family does and we are deeply blessed to do so. I was raised Presbyterian and grew up with the season of Lent but not the personal practice of “giving something up” in observance of Lent. That is something my husband and I decided to do as a married couple and it is something our children will do for the first time this year. We have asked them to pray and listen for what God is putting on their hearts, what He wants them to give to Him. Sara is pretty sure she will be giving up the computer. David was quick to offer up fruits and vegetables, we suggested a bit more reflection. Nathan is still a little young to fully understand but we will encourage him and show him by our example.

If you have read my last few posts, you know that I have been on a bit of a journey with God over the last few weeks – probably much longer but I’ve only just begun to really listen. I feel Him pulling me forward into a new season. My family is moving into a new season. That I have felt coming for some time now. I have observed the change in my children. The deep healing and increased peace in them.

Four years ago, in the Spring, our older two children returned to us after having been back in the care of their birth mother for nearly two years. You can read more of that story in my post “Beauty from Ashes”. In that four years, we have walked with them through some very dark and terrifying places as they fought their way back from abuse and trauma. It has been hard. Very hard. The hardest thing I have ever done and I have not always done it with grace.

But now, my children are doing well. They are moving forward. Charging forward.

God has redeemed so much and has brought them so far beyond their pain. He has enfolded them in His grace and filled them with the promise that His plan for their life is good. He has reached them and they have opened their hearts to Him in miraculous ways.

My own heart overflows for the changes I see in them but the process of that change has taken a toll. And now it is my turn. His eyes have turned toward me. Really they have always been on me too, but now I am aware.

Please don’t misunderstand. I am thankful and I am blessed and I am happy. Truly. But I am tired, I am weary, I am spent. Not because of my children or because of their pain or the journey God called us to walk with them. But because of my choices in dealing with just how hard it was. Because of my need for control and the avoidance of the depth of my own loss, grief and pain. The guilt of my mis-steps and lack of grace. Too long I have buried it all in distraction and busy-ness. Too many times I have come before Him broken and on my knees only to take back that which I was so desperate to give to Him. He has waited for me to bend just far enough and now He is calling me out. He is calling me to a season of change and renewal. And I am listening.

Lent. This year He is not asking me to give up a favorite food item, TV, wine or chocolate. No, He is asking for much more. He is asking me to dig deeper. He is calling me to give up SELF. To give Him the pieces of me that I still cling to, hide behind, wallow in, make excuses for.

I will spend the next forty days committed to a pattern of change, committed to live more intentionally. Directed and purposeful. Proactive instead of reactive. Refreshed and not tired. Renewed and not weary. Listening for His voice to tell me what is mine and giving over what He claims as His.

I will sleep more.

I will eat more that is green.

I will eat less that is white.

I will drink more water.

I will exercise more.

I will deepen my prayer life and devote more quiet time to Him. I will rise to meet Him every morning and not find a reason why I am too busy or too tired.

I will  make no excuses.

I will be slow to anger.

I will watch my tongue.

I will guard my thoughts.

I will remember that while I am a mom, I am a wife too.

I will fast. Over the past ten years, I have walked closer and closer to God but I have never fasted in prayer. Never. He is asking me to start.

I will rid myself of all that I have taken up that He has not asked of me. I will clear the clutter and all that keeps me too busy and distracts me from Him.

And when I am done, when He is finished. I will celebrate that He is Risen. That He lives. And that I too am alive again.

Love, Lent and Following Where He Leads

From the start of my blog, my desire has always been for it to be conversational. I think this may be because I am at a stage in my life where the day-to-day joys of parenting three young children has riddled my brain incapable of stringing more than a few random thoughts together at a time. Long, cohesive, well-thought out, planned, drafted, grammatically correct, edited and revised is just not in the cards right now; well, yes, sometimes long is. Nor should they be because that is how God wants it. Someday I may be a “writer” but for now, I am a conversationalist. He knows me and He knows that anything else would be too much about me and not enough about Him. I still have so much growing to do and wisdom yet to gain.

I talked yesterday about all that God has had for me this past week or so. As I seek Him in the early morning hours, after He has awakened me and called me to His feet, I have continually felt His leading to focus and reflect on LOVE. To write about love, to spark conversation and thought about love.

Love. I LOVE it!

Naturally, I think, this will tie in perfectly to Valentine’s Day … God, your timing is always perfect. Love it is! All week, I will talk about LOVE. Thank you God for your message, thank you for your leading. I have a plan, a direction, I know what you want me to do and I am happy to do it.

And then came “Love is not passion — It is the pulse of sacrifice”; from Ann Voskamp. And it stuck. And I couldn’t shake it. And I felt God’s gentle touch on my shoulder; “no, this kind of love“.

What? But we had a plan, I had a plan. This was supposed to be about Valentine’s Day; fun and festive and pretty and easy. Blogs about 17 ways to celebrate 17 years of marriage and making cards and heart-shaped pancakes for kids and chocolate. You know, LOVE! I’m not qualified to talk about LOVE!

This is where I need to tell you that I am smitten with all of the aspects of blogging (well, not all – not the technical and “computer” stuff) and the creative outlet it has given me – it is so much neater than scrapbooking or crafting and Lord knows, I do need to be neater. I love that God has given me a passion for family history and food and hospitality and has given me this vehicle to share those passions. But He does not wake me up at 3 am to talk about chocolate souffle – I’m pretty sure though, if He were to wake me at 3 am to talk about food, He would want to talk about chocolate souffle.

He gives me the grace and go-ahead to talk about my passions. Who am I not to listen and obey when He asks me to talk about His LOVE.

So I wrote yesterday’s post, “What is Love?”; not easy for me, raw and honest, but true to what He desired of me. I am so thankful for the reflection and the growth, for the questions I am still working to answer and for the peace that comes from obedience to Him. I am thankful that in obedience, I have found His assurance that I am qualified to talk about love because I am loved.

And now that I am listening, my shoulder, heavy, not burdened, but heavy with God’s hand …“Yes, I have placed Love on your heart this week but that is only part of it. Think child. Be still and hear Me.”

Lent. Not Valentine’s Day. Lent. Sacrifice. LOVE. True love.

My husband and I are not Catholic but we observe Lent. We give something up, make a sacrifice, that we might reflect more deeply on the sacrifice that was made for us. This year though, I have been distracted. I haven’t been listening. And this year, He is calling me to more. Finally, I am hearing Him. This year, 40 days without french fries just isn’t going to cut it.

Growth. He is moving me forward.

If you would like to join me in the journey, I encourage you to read today’s post by Ann Voskamp, may it bless you as much as it did me …

Why Doing Lent this Year is What You Really Need

and we’ll talk more tomorrow, the first day of Lent.